How to Be Immortal (And Live Forever, too!)

 Tip #12

Become a vampire.

I know this is not so easy, but it is manageable. The easiest way to become a vampire is to get yourself bitten by one already in active service. Vampirism is one of the few communicable diseases which is definitely NOT terminal. Just the opposite.

Book a trip to New Orleans or Transylvania. Then hang around nights looking drunk. Not hard since those are the main attractions of both locations. New Orleans you get drunk for fun, Transylvania – just to break the monotony.

Another way to become a vampire is to be the 7th son of a 7th son. Granted, if you are not a Mormon or a Kennedy this is not as simple as it sounds. But there is a way to retrofit your family for this purpose. Have your Grandparents adopt as many boys older than you that are needed. Same for your parents. Presto! 7th son of a 7th son.

While vampires do live forever, barring ritual murder, there are some drawbacks to this method of life eternal. For one thing, your diet will be very boring. Blood. Blood soup. Blood sausage. Think post-Thanksgiving but with blood instead of turkey leftovers. Now imagine that for eternity… Also, be prepared to have many bad hair days. Since vampires cast no reflection, mirrors are out. You will have to use the tried and true Bela Lugosi method of plastering your hair back on your head with globs of airplane glue. Other than that, you may wish to install a video system in your castle, but when out on a date forget it.

Check back for more tips on living forever…

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2 Responses to “How to Be Immortal (And Live Forever, too!)”

  1. Dean Says:

    An insightful and funny post!

    At least after becoming a vampire you won’t really need to deal with Healthcare Insurance, HMO’s, etc… and if they really annoy you, you can always eat them and claim it as medicinal murder!

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